What is it that makes me feel like this? Like I’m just a burden on everyone. Like I’m a failure. Like all I do is cause problems and anger and such. The worst part of my life is the being alone and thinking. Just sitting here.. reconciling over everything that has happened.. I get told to just let it go. To just move on, accept the past. But when you feel as if everything from your past is just a mistake, that’s easier said than done. It’s always the same things when I just sit here and think. And what bothers me is that talking to anyone that knows me has become not an option. All it seems to do is upset them more and more every time they have to hear it. It bothers me that I thrive off of attention. I do almost anything and say almost anything just for attention. And that really gets to me.. Because I hate “living” like this. All of the things I’ve said or done, or not said or done have cost me so much in my life.. Great friendships, relationships I want back, even my own mother’s death I still blame myself for. And that was nearly 2 years ago. I just constantly feel like such a let down and a sob story, and I hate it. I hate myself for doing what I do and acting the way I do.. I can’t stand myself. Waking up, looking in the mirror.. seeing how fat I am.. thinking to myself “You’re a fucking disgrace to the Marine Corps. Everyone is right, you are a fucking fat piece of shit.” And I think this almost every morning because for 2 years I’ve dealt with being called out on being overweight at least every week. And after so long, it just sinks in that maybe everyone is right. Rule of probability, right? If enough people say it then it’s probably true? Maybe if I had listened to my mom and not joined the Marines, she’d still be alive. And the hardest part about her death? It’s not that I made her cry in a bad way before she went into the hospital the last time we had spoken. It’s the fact that I joined the Marines to be infantry, a rifleman to be exact. And we all get what’s called an MOS or Military Occupational Specialty. Well mine is 0311 - Infantry Rifleman. And I still remember what my mother said to me when I told her that’s what I was going to be doing. She said “Your job is going to be the death of me.” And what day did she die? March 11th, 2012 at 11:46am. Or in other words, 03/11/12. Yeah, now I get to live with that every day of my life. And believe me, I know people have it much worse off than me. Fuck, I don’t know anyone who will read this or why you would want to. And yet I would let you tell me all about any problem you have in your life. For hours, days even. Because I can’t stand the thought of someone else having regrets or hate or worries. Yet I let those things eat me alive everyday of my life. So what is it then that keeps me going? Because lately I’ve begun to scrape the bottom of the barrel. My girlfriend and I had a mutual breakup, I’m getting fucked 6 ways to Sunday by bills, I’m way overweight, I have no energy for anything, my body is a wreck. And all I hear is “Look at the bright side. Stop being so negative.” What is it though? What is my bright side?
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You know that feeling. The feeling that you get when you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other and you both know that you’ve drifted apart. Drifted to the point that it’s not going to come back, or it’s not worth the effort and time to try. That feeling that you both failed. Long distance didn’t help. We don’t hate each other. She had a lot to deal with and so do I. We’re both still young. It’s not a good thing but it isn’t the end of the world. All I can do is keep my chin up, I guess..
Some days I just feel like I have no clue what the hell I’ve done with my life. It seems like a lot of the choices I’ve made have just completely ruined things for me. This isn’t to just sit here and complain. It’s just that I’m thinking about it and realizing things like “Wow, you really are a fucking moron, aren’t you?” And I just sit here agreeing with myself.
Where to begin… Well let’s see… About, oh I’d say 4 years ago now I got my first girlfriend. It was short lived. The turn of events leading to it were actually quite shameful and embarrassing on my part. I was very heavily depressed, overweight, and contemplating suicide to the point where I had a date and a plan. It seemed as if the quiet kid who always was there to help anyone else out if they asked or needed it was at the end of his rope. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing everyone else around me doing well in school and in their personal lives. Being happy, fit, enjoying life, etc. Meanwhile there I am. Alone. In the shadows. Out of sight and out of mind. Grades slipping, my body composition going to shit, and no relationship in sight, I was at rock bottom. Get up, go to school, go home, lay in my bed in my dark room and just listen to music and cry. All kinds of music. Looking back most of it was music that was emotionally stirring. Just lying there envying everyone else. All of my friends and classmates. Hell some of them I didn’t even know really. Then came my one last ditch effort to stand out and try to get along with people and gain more friends and respect and confidence. Spring track season. 90% of my friends did it so I figured I might as well give it a shot too. Well it didn’t really work the way I had hoped. I wasn’t really feeling like I belonged. All these good and great athletes. Then one day, I went on a field trip for school. Came back and decided to watch the kids under me throw to keep track of them and cheer them on (this is an example of how I’m two faced; supportive and there for people during the day/depressed and a wreck at night). And then it started to rain at the meet. So there she was, the girl who I knew everyone had picked on and made fun of. And I didn’t really see why. But I saw her shivering from being cold and soaked from the rain. So what does any gentleman do? He reaches into his bag and pulls out his red and black hoody, taps her on the shoulder, hands it to her saying simply, “Here, put this on.” Then he basks in the smile he gets back. Next thing you know it’s a few days later. Still walking around wearing a mask I decided that I’d had enough and that the pain and suffering would be over soon enough. I’d already taste tested the cold steel of the Mossberg 12 gauge that sat in my father’s room. It would only take a second. One quick pull of a trigger and I’d finally get some sleep. People would finally know my name. So at what I was expecting to be the last weekend at my late mother’s house, I got on Facebook. No friend requests. No notifications. No messages. What a surprise. I didn’t post anything, didn’t message anyone, I didn’t do anything. I was just about to log off when she messaged me. So I figured I’d entertain it and messaged her back. We start talking and connect (Not hard considering my situation and how much we had in common interests). So we got together. I was happy and so was she. Everything seemed to be turning around. I had joined my fire department and started getting better with working out and school work. And then she hit me with it… she was moving to Alabama. And couldn’t stay. I figured we could try and make it work. And it didn’t. It ended with a phone call one night and another guy on the line and her laughing while he told me that he “was going to have his way with her and she was sooooo tight. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” Needless to say I basically exploded, saying words I told myself I wouldn’t call a woman again. After all, I’m a nice guy here. Then a little while after it happened, I find out why what happened, happened. I don’t care enough about others. I only worry about myself. I only talk about my problems and I don’t listen. I’m selfish. This is the first time I’ve ever heard this. So it surprised me. But not as much as it would later on.
So some time goes by before I get another girlfriend. Considering how my first relationship didn’t even make 2 months, I had to do better. A buddy of mine gave me this girl’s number and I messaged her as a prank. Next thing you know we’re going out. Crazy I know. She’s a punky, metal, dyed-hair, piercings, emo-esque girl about 5’8” or so and maybe 150-160 lbs. I’m a blue jeans and a t shirt, anything but newer emo-esque metal, firefighter who is in decent shape at 5’11” and about 180 lbs. I planned on joining the Marine Corps. Needless to say, it was polar opposites here. But we got along REALLY well. At least to me. Her family loved me, and I them. Everything was going fine until after my birthday in January. Then things started getting rough. Next thing you know, it comes to a grinding halt. It hit me hard and I cried about it for a while. But I heard something I had heard before; I don’t care enough about others. I only worry about myself. I only talk about my problems and I don’t listen. I’m selfish. And again, I’m surprised. Because I’m starting to see a recurring thing.
A while after this I got into my first fling. Had my first friend with benefits. And this happened right around the end of school/beginning of summer. And boy did it last a while. So I’m a senior in high school and we’re nearing graduation. And as embarrassing as it is to admit, I was still a virgin. And so was this girl. And not only were we close to graduation, but I was close to going to boot camp for the Marine Corps. So I’m at this girl’s father’s house, and it happened. I got coerced into having sex with her. Kind of a sensual romantic thing I know. Taking each other’s V-Card if you will. We both seemed happy. I went to boot camp and was talking to a good friend of mine. A girl I talked to a lot through high school. We met through the DEP and kind of hit it off. And of course, while in boot camp I finally got the balls enough to tell her I loved her and wanted to date her when I got out of that hell hole. And what did I get in return? She was dating someone else already. So at least I had my fling girl. I go home and then there was another girl who also wanted to get with me. I was at a great time in my life. Just got out of boot camp, had a couple friends with benefits, I was content. Then I go to Infantry School. And it was there that things started really going downhill.
At SOI (School Of Infantry), I decided for some reason to date my first ex again. And this sparked off a lot of shit back home. My first friend with benefits got furious, broke down emotionally, told her mom everything we did and got us both a lot of flak. The other didn’t take it too well either… So about 4 months into dating this girl again, I have to go home early from a field op with my unit whom I had only recently gotten to. The reason was that about a week into this op, I got a call from my stepdad. My mom was in the hospital. The last time I had seen my mother was around Christmas time. And I made her cry… we had never really gotten along all too well because she left my father and I when I was an infant. Then came back into my life around my being 10. And in the last years of her life, we fought more and more. So I got home basically 2 days later… and that’s when I saw her… breathing tubes down her throat… IV’s and tubes in her arms… wires all over… her hair in a mess… and her skin yellow from jaundice… her liver was going south and fast… and it didn’t really hit me right away… I had two weeks home because my mother was dying in the hospital… and what did I do… I was out trying to enjoy myself… hang out with people… party… etc… and then on a Saturday I went to see her… I sat there and watched her for a while… she was in and out of consciousness because of her meds… and when she woke up while I was there, she looked at me and smiled… and all I got to say was “hey mommy”… and she said “hey Eddie”… and passed back out… after a little while, I went home… I kissed her forehead and whispered that I’d be back the next day to see her… and what happened… at 1143 am on March 11th 2012, I got a phone call from my uncle, her brother and I just knew… he said that she had just passed and I was the first person he was calling… so I hung up… and like a robot, put on my full dress uniform… and went to see her… and there she laid… no EKG going… no blood drip or IV… nothing… it was the most absolutely quiet room on the face of the earth… and for the first time in a long time, and also the last time, I said a prayer and kissed her forehead… and her skin… was the coldest thing I’ve ever felt touch my skin in my life thus far… the funeral was a couple days later… and we all placed flowers on her casket before it was lowered into the ground forever… there lay a pile of multicolored flowers on top… and then 2 white roses… one from my stepfather, one from my now 10 year old brother… the last flower to touch that casket was the white rose I held in my white gloved hands in full dress uniform for over an hour… the entire ceremony I didn’t bat an eye… didn’t move for anyone or anything… I just stood there… and when I placed my rose on her casket, I touched it for a minute as everyone went to their vehicles… and I talked to her… apologizing for being such a terrible son… and then it hit me… I don’t care enough about others. I only worry about myself. I only talk about my problems and I don’t listen. I’m selfish…
I still find it difficult to think about her, see pictures of her, hear her favorite songs or bands, and especially go visit the site where she lays for eternity… but I have gotten better. After her passing, I dated the girl that was my first friend with benefits. I had to go to California for some desert training. So there was little time to talk. Hardly any service, long days, hot temperatures, and just a general foul mood going around. So after 4 months of being with her, on the LAST day I was in California, as I was about to come home, she said she’d had enough. I was an asshole. And again I got to hear it. I don’t care enough about others. I only worry about myself. I only talk about my problems and I don’t listen. I’m selfish. And after that it took me a few months to get back on my feet. But I started to talk to another girl and we hit it off. We decided to have a fling and it was great. I won’t lie or sugarcoat it, the sex was awesome. And we could talk about anything. Then emotions got mixed into it. And where did I end up going? Afghanistan. 8 months. Combat deployment. We went through some ups and downs. Some not too bad, some pretty bad. Then I finally got back to the states. And what happens? Three days before I come home on leave, she says she can’t do it anymore and doesn’t want to try and do a long distance military relationship. After ten months of waiting, TEN MONTHS, she can’t handle another three days when I would have asked her out and made us both extremely happy. But she gave up. So there I am thinking to myself. I don’t care enough about others. I only worry about myself. I only talk about my problems and I don’t listen. I’m selfish.
The last bit of this is the most recent chapter of my two faced, asshole nature that I can’t seem to overcome to save my life. One of my best friends of a couple years now and I got into it because I hadn’t talked to her in a few weeks. And she went off on me. And I agree with everything she said. I don’t think she was wrong at all. It actually hit me so hard that for the first time in a long time I actually sat down and cried a little bit… I even contemplated suicide again just because this was the icing on the cake as far as shit not going in my favor of late. But here I am, writing out all my memories of that one problem I have. I don’t care enough about others. I only worry about myself. I only talk about my problems and I don’t listen. I’m selfish. I’m two faced.